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REFLECTOR: [Fwd: Fw: Tools & uses - rec.motorcycles #393213]

Okay, I am sorry for sending humor to the reflector.  BUT , I have never done
it before
and too much of this stuff happened to me in the course of building to pass
up!


>
> >>             -----Tools and Uses------
> >>
> >> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> >> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
> > the object we are trying to hit.
> >
> >>
> >> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> >> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
> >> on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
> >>
> >> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
> >> their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
> >> drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
> >> to the rear wheel.
> >>
> >> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
> >>
> >> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> >> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> >> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> >> dismal your future becomes.
> >>
> >> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
> >> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
> >> your hand.
> >>
> >> OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> >> objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
> >> inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
> >>
> >> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> >> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
> >> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
> >>
> >> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> >> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> >> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> >> painted part you were drying.
> >>
> >> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
> >> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
> >> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
> >> say, "Ouc...."
> >>
> >> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after
> >> you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
> >> handle firmly under the front fender.
> >>
> >> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward
> >> off a hydraulic jack.
> >>
> >> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters.
> >>
> >> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
> >> floor jack.
> >>
> >> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> >> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
> >>
> >> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
> >> is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

>
> >> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
> >>
> >> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> >> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
> disconnect.
> >>
> >> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> >> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> >> without the handle.
> >>
> >> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
> >> from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
> >> your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
> >>
> >> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
> >>
> >> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
> >> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
> >> is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
> >> aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
> >> same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
> >> first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
> >> its name is somewhat misleading.
> >>
> >> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> >> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
> >> as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
> >>
> >> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> >> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> >> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> >> bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds
> >> them off.
> >>
> >> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> >> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

> >> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
> >>
>
>   ---

BOB GINSBERG
Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist - N.S.C.A.
Certified Personal Trainer - A.C.E.
Big Ape Gym

Velocity N173BG

---- Begin included message ----
I originally thought I was sending too much stuff out, but then this
came in and
I had to share.  I was crying (from laughing) by the time I got to the
end.  I 
may be a male chauvinist, but most of these are male-oriented jokes,
sort of 
like The Three Stooges or Beavis and Butthead.  

Bob, having built his own airplane might enjoy these.

Keith is kind of a handy man, so he'll enjoy.

Larry and Jeff basically work with tools and their hands and no doubt
have 
'done' some of these.

I know Rick works on instruments, and he's probably had a mishap or two.

Sally, has Eric used any of these 'tools'?

I personally have used some of these 'tools' at the theatre.

All you other men (and women) enjoy!

==============================================
>
>For anyone who likes tools...  Enjoy.
>
>>             -----Tools and Uses------
>>
>> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
>> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far
from
> the object we are trying to hit.
>
>>
>> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well
>> on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
>>
>> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
>> their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
>> drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that
goes
>> to the rear wheel.
>>
>> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>>
>> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
>> dismal your future becomes.
>>
>> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available,
>> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
>> your hand.
>>
>> OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable
>> objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
>> inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>>
>> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
>> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2
>> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>>
>> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat
>> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and
>> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
>> painted part you were drying.
>>
>> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
>> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
>> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to
>> say, "Ouc...."
>>
>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after
>> you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
>> handle firmly under the front fender.
>>
>> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward
>> off a hydraulic jack.
>>
>> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters.
>>
>> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic
>> floor jack.
>>
>> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
>> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>>
>> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and
>> is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.
>>
>> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
>> strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
>> disconnect.
>>
>> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
>> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end
>> without the handle.
>>
>> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid
>> from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining
that
>> your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>>
>> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>>
>> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop
>> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which
>> is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
>> aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the
>> same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
>> first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light,
>> its name is somewhat misleading.
>>
>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used,
>> as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>>
>> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning
>> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
>> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
>> bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and
rounds
>> them off.
>>
>> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent 
part.
>> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>>
>


---------------------------- Forwarded with Changes ---------------------------
From: ,Wrennie Sommerville [SMTP:wsommer@unity.ncsu.edu] at GNL_WEB_DOMAIN
Date: 6/23/99 2:11PM -0700
To: Rick Stephenson at po-erwswf-01
*To: ,Rob [SMTP:rcedward@unity.ncsu.edu] at GNL_WEB_DOMAIN
*To: ,Billy Bite [SMTP:bledsoe@mediagraphics.com] at GNL_WEB_DOMAIN
*To: ,Chuck [SMTP:chuckmoon@mindspring.com] at GNL_WEB_DOMAIN
Subject: Fw: Tools & uses - rec.motorcycles #393213
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---- End included message ----